blurb

I haven't written in a really long time. Apparently my mind doesn't function the way it used to. Or maybe most of my patience is used up in child-rearing and I have little left over for writing. I won't speak for anyone else but raising a child has certainly knocked the wind out of me. Or maybe raising MY SON is just a tad difficult than usual. Or maybe I'm just special.

So much swirls in my mind, so much I feel so strongly about, but when it comes to putting it to paper (or an online blog) it all comes out a mess. I can't organize my thoughts. It takes too long to make it look pretty for anyone else to read... or for myself to read for that matter. I have 11 "random Thoughts" sitting still in draft form. Often, I run out of time and what i began to write about isn't relevant any more.

When you raise a child you begin to look at the world very differently. Wonder and amazement go up a few notches, but so does fear. I've often thought about what I want my son to believe about life and the world we live in. I have found over the past couple of years I have become increasingly disheartened. The world has become a darker place than before but more than that, I have had to give up on my daydream world as I seek to prepare my son for the path he will walk ahead. I don't want him prancing around in a plush make-believe world and then fall hard to the ground when reality strikes. He doesn't live in the same world I did when I was little. I can't provide him the luxury of spinning protective cotton-candy wall around him, because reality is already hounding him. And my poor baby is barely 4.

I have given up on fairytales. I still believe in love, and I believe it can last forever, but I know that sooner or later loved ones will inevitably say or do something to hurt one another. I have found love to be more of a tragedy than a fairytale. Despite all we do for love, some will still walk away, and despite how many times they walk away, some of us will incorrigibly, incessantly and profoundly love them. Love raises the worst of the masochists and worst of the villains.

Trust... oh the sham of it! I wish the word didn't exist and we'd all live life with a lot less pain.

The world doesn't want to help, it wants to watch a spectacle. Is there a wonder reality shows are doing so well? No one has your best interest at heart... or anyone else's for that matter. Maybe your parents, but I think the newer generation of parents are increasingly self-absorbed and seek to feed there own interests and they might do so at the expense of their children. Doctors, scientists and psychologists us us as science experiments. They use us to observe the implications of their products and theories and to possibly draw up newer ones. It isn't about helping humanity any more. This isn't about improving the quality of life. It is about the art of science itself. It is how religion becomes more about the rituals than faith itself. The world has lost sight of its goal and gotten lost in the woodworks. Sort of like Wall-E. So mechanical and lost... The whole world has gone autisitic.

Ironic. April is autism awareness month. Talk shows, celebrities, magazines debate over possible causes but few consider the real problem... no one wants to help. Parents, caregivers, teachers, doctors, psychologists are more than ready to give or accept a label, but rather than looking for solutions, they mark it like a death sentence. 1 in 150 children are currently diagnosed with Autism spectrum disorders (ASD). And no one thinks maybe we're expecting too much of kids... maybe we need to let them grow on their own and nurture their strengths so they become healthy successful human beings. why are these kids diagnosed and then tossed aside as if there's nothing that can be done about them? Maybe because the world as a whole has become so self-absorbed, so indifferent to emotion and feeling, so obsessively indulgent and fascinated with science and observation - like the autistic child who plays for hours watching the wheels of his toy car spin round and around, and with categorizing, like the same child lining up his toys in neat straight lines - to really care.

Look around you. If the collective communties of the world were observed as an individual entity, you'd see all the signs of ASD pervasive and prevalent throughout. And this world seeks to outcast these beautiful minds without giving them a chance. Without giving them hope.

I don't know what to teach my son for I don't know what to think myself. I was always a dreamer and a believer. I am lost now. Perhaps that's why I can barely write any more.

I am lost, and my son is depending on me to lead him through this. In my heart of hearts, I am hoping that his spirit, his will, his obstinacy and determination, and his evolving imagination will draw a path for me to follow and take us out of this fog.