Letting go... of pride

Perhaps it is just my pride that is unwilling to part with the comfort of the old and refusing to embrace the challenges of what's new, which would make it not as much of a helpless situation as I would like to believe. It's a decision I've made somewhere to keep reverting to thoughts of what was, and all I need to do is to decide otherwise. I wish it were that easy.

Humair's laundry came back from the Drycleaners yesterday and every single shirt is shrunk, there are stains where there were none and the socks now seem they were meant for a six-year-old. Unless it's the laundry service at a five star hotel, which you cannot avail unless you have a room there, that's how all of your laundry no matter how expensive will end up. Everyone here has the same complaints. My washer dryer combo doesn't dry the clothes properly... it's great at shrinking them, but not drying them. I didn't even know that was possible! Now if we'd like to replace our shrunken laundry, we can pay the same price we did in the US for a designer shirt, and get some poorly designed egyptian made shirt that looks bad, feels bad and won't last even a single wash cycle. It may be little stuff, trivial stuff, but it's enough to make us want to cry. With our every encounter with laundry ensue nostalgic recounts of our nice laundry room in Houston, weekly visits to the not-so-friendly but "they did a great job with my shirts" drycleaner, and occasional shopping trips to the mall where EVERYTHING was available and often on sale. It's almost impossible to move on!

Maybe this is all trivial, but this issue with laundry and other seemingly miniscule troubles are like tiny bread crumbs in the bed that keep us tossing and turning all night. But I suppose, in the end, reality triumphs; we must accept what is and work with it and stop living in the past. If we wait till we are comfortable in our new place, we may never move on.

So it's a decision we must make to never look back at what was, to look forward to making a new life here, to not let these little troubles drag us down and realize we still have it great where we are.... we could have been posted in Sudan, you know. The truth is, troubles are everywhere. If it's not one thing it's another. In the five years we lived in the US I don't think there was single day that we didn't have something or another to be worried or upset about, even if just slightly. It's in our nature to want nothing less than perfect, and in our blind pursuit we miss out on the good life that just passes us by, while we're consumed with complaints and regrets that may or may not be worthwhile.

Life, as part of the Divine Plan, is inherently designed to incite some form of struggle. How we handle ourselves during this struggle is our real test. God has gifted us with creative minds, made us resourceful and it's up to us to decide to make use of what we have. For five years we lived in what is considered the worlds most developed country. For four of those years we lived in locations which were not quite as developed as the rest of the country, but it's resources were never more than a couple of hours' drive away. We made such a big issue of it, so much so that we refused to start a family. So what if the hospital was an hour away? So was the one in Houston... about 45 minutes. So what if the hospital closest to us wasn't the best equipped? I would rather go to the one in Liberal, Kansas than the best one here in Cairo. We could have made it work.... I could have made it work, but when you're looking for excuses, they come running. Life may not have been perfect but in all honesty it was waaaaay better than what it is here. I think of all those wasted evenings that we lost in lieu of the stress of what would happen if our visas expired and how life at work wasn't as perfect as we had imagined. Now we feel stupid for having complained so much, and I need to make that decision so years later I don't feel stupid about now.

There is nothing wrong with wanting perfect, but there is everything wrong with expecting it. I can't wait for perfect to come or, for what now appears near perfect, to return. It isn't so much about being hung-up on the past than it is about being hung-up on an idea... an idea of what life should be like. Humair and I need to decide that as nice as that idea is, it isn't going to happen. We must learn to seek contentment in what we have in our hands and not wait to realize it's worth when it has slipped from them. Good things will come, but they will come with other struggles, different troubles. We have the means to overcome our current troubles. They may be inconvenient, but they are there. We are blessed that we have these means and should consider ourselves lucky.

So here... I'm letting go of my pride and all those ideas of "perfect". I may not have accepted my reality fully just yet, but I've begun a process, and that's quite an achievement in itself. There will be frustrations and I will still need to vent occasionally, but when is life not like that anyway?